In honor of my one and only reader - my niece Kim. : ) (hi Kim!)
It appears that Christmas is fast approaching, no matter how much I deny its impending arrival. This means that lists must be made. Lots of lists.
Have you ever said a word so many times that it just sounds funny? List. List. Say it. It just sounds like a nonsensical word.
This year the holidays will be a lot different for my kids and I. For one thing, they will be getting a lot less presents than they've received in the past. And I know they are ok with this, because really, Christmas is about something else entirely. But do I continue the same traditions we had as a family? Do I just forge on as if nothing is different? Or do I acknowledge the huge change we have experienced and create some new traditions? Luckily, my kids are old enough that we can discuss this issue and decide together what we should do.
I think I've mentioned before how I've always dreaded the holidays. I used to LOVE everything about Christmas, especially the decorating and preparing for everything involved with it. But for the past 12 years or so, my joy was slowly stifled so much that Christmas just became another chore. I'm hoping that this is the year I'll rediscover that excitement I used to have. I'm hoping I can approach each Christmas related activity with the proper attitude and not view it as just another thing to get through on the way to the next activity.
So with that in mind, I'm truly looking forward to this Thursday, celebrating Thanksgiving with my favorite people: my family. God has blessed me in so many ways and its important to acknowledge that. Happy Thanksgiving!
I hope wherever you are, you are enjoying yourself and are appreciating the fact that we live in a free country! I think we take that for granted.
I've been adjusting to my own independence quite well lately, except I've been dealing with a great deal of anger. I know this is one of the stages of grief, but its been a little frightening to me just how angry I've been. It probably has something to do with finding out that some of my suspicions about my ex were true, and getting confirmation from him about it. I just can't comprehend that someone I trusted betrayed me like that. Well, I CAN comprehend it and that's why I've been so angry. And angry with myself that I didn't trust my instincts. From now on, I will listen to my self and I will NOT let anyone treat me like that again.
For about two weeks, I felt like I was walking around with this cloud of hatred over my head and I couldn't reason with myself to stop feeling that way. So it was a really nice coincidence that my vacation started just as I was feeling overwhelmed. I got to spend a week with my "original" family; my mom and all of my siblings. My son, a few nephews, a niece and my sisters-in-law were there too. We stayed at a 7300 square foot "cabin" in Breckenridge, CO. It was just what I needed.
The first morning there, the sun rose and it was such a beautiful day that I decided to go for a walk by myself. And whenever I'm alone, my thoughts go to how my ex betrayed me, and how angry I am. So I decided to run to work off some of my anger and it worked. At one point, I looked up and saw this beautiful sight:
Instead of being overwhelmed by anger, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of what was in front of me. Actually, if you take the time to look around, beauty is everywhere but we just take THAT for granted too.
Spending time with people who love me was like medicine for me. We played a lot of cribbage, did a lot of talking and a LOT of laughing. Those wonderful people let me talk and talk and reason things out and patiently let me express my feelings without judging me. I still found myself very angry whenever I was alone, especially when I went to bed. But by the time the week was up, that was getting better too.
We took a lot of hikes and saw some truly beautiful scenery. Humor me and look at the pictures. : )
It was also really nice to spend the week with my son. It isn't often that he and I get to do things alone (other than go to Dr appointments) so I really enjoyed that. I missed my two girls and wish they could've come with us, but in the scheme of things, I think he needs a little more attention right now. As a 16 year old boy, he needs his mom more than his older sisters do. I think it was good for him to spend time with his aunts and uncles too. He needed to have that love and support just as much as I did.
Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better about my situation, and I am much less overwhelmed by anger. If my ex can't see what a great catch he had, thats his problem. And he isn't my problem any more. That sentence right there, is epic, my friends. It took me 23 years to figure that out and believe it.
And right now, I'm thinking life looks pretty good!
That was the day that one of my good friends lost her 6 year old son in a truly tragic way. While playing on the playground, Nik somehow got a stone into his mouth and it lodged in his airway. Just one, 1 cm stone. It was so small that the emergency personnel that tried to pass a breathing tube into his airway didn't see it. So small that the Medical Examiner couldn't see it either. Not at first, anyway.
I've thought about my friend, her husband Dave and their 10 year old son Lucas on an almost constant basis since it happened. I can't imagine the pain they are experiencing. Well, I CAN imagine it, but I can't imagine how they could possibly live through it. They are living through every parent's nightmare.
So today was Nik's funeral.
I can't tell you how much I dreaded going to that funeral. I don't think anyone necessarily enjoys going to funerals, but in certain cases, where a person has been sick a really long time, or they are 99 years old, funerals are a logical event in the procession of things. But 6 year old, healthy little boys don't fit into that category. I found that throughout the week, when I would call Lisa or go visit her, I had put up some sort of barrier around my heart so I didn't let it get to me too badly. So today, I knew I would be confronted with the realization that this was all too real.
And it was really, really hard to sit in that church and say goodbye to a sweet 6 year old boy that I really didn't know all that well. What I DID know about him was that he always had a smile on his face, and he loved life. Like most kids do. The pastor of the church did such a nice job of making some sense out of this tragedy. He reminded us that Nik was exactly what God tells us to be like. Nik loved his neighbors and visited most of them quite often. He had the gift of hospitality and made others feel welcome wherever he went. He also had the gift of joy and spread it like crazy to others around him. He was an example of what love looks like. Nik's Uncle Scott also spoke and really gave a clear picture of just the kind of kid he was. I was laughing and crying at the same time.
It turns out, I needed to go to that funeral. I'm a big "everything happens for a reason" kind of person, so this whole event didn't really fit into that philosophy, and I was struggling with it. Right before I left I was saying goodbye to Lisa. This woman, who had just said goodbye to her baby ended up comforting ME. "I don't think God causes people to die", she said. "I think people get cancer, and people die in tragedies not because of something God allows to happen, but that He will be there to take them home when they die. I don't think God caused Nik to swallow that stone, but I'm convinced that He was there waiting to take him to heaven when he did." That makes sense to me. I can live with that philosophy too. Maybe sometimes things just happen.
It's the end of April... Which means its time to start thinking about my garden. I have about 12 square feet to work with so I need to decide what I really want to grow. If I think about what my ideal garden would contain, it starts to resemble my failed rental garden experience. Maybe I need to think about this tiny little plot in terms of real estate. What will provide the most return for my money? (or my time?) Home grown carrots always look so appealing in pictures, but once you plant them, there's nothing to show for it until you harvest them. And melons always taste so much sweeter when they're grown at home. But they take up so much room. I need something that will produce veggies on a continuous basis. Stuff like tomatoes, cucumbers and beans would work. Herbs too.
It was 48 degrees here today. Very un-garden-like. But warmer days are on their way. Thank goodness!
I hate dating. Always have, even when I was younger. I hate that whole 'trying to figure the other person out' thing. No one, when they're first starting to date, reveals their true character. It can take several years for that to come out (trust me...I know this to be true...sometimes even up to 12 years or so.) People are usually on their best behavior during those first several months of dating and they seem ideal. Pretty soon you're smitten and blind to their faults and quirks. Sooner or later though, your vision returns and things start to bother you.
Can you tell how much I dislike dating? I do. A lot.
Imagine how much I liked being on match.com. At first it was kind of fun, getting lots of winks and emails but then I noticed something: every single profile is pretty much the same. "I'm an easy going guy that likes to have a good time. I treat a lady well and I'm honest and trustworthy." Yadda yadda yadda. Really? Every single man on this site is honest and trustworthy? Riiiiight. I recognized several men on that site from my area and know that many of them are crooks and cheaters. I've already had enough of that!
After going on a few dates, I decided that I don't need that. I am NOT desperate, and I already have plenty of friends I go out with. In fact, my schedule is so packed that many times, I'm arranging to meet friends a few nights a week. Last Saturday night, I went out with my best friend and we had THE BEST time! I can't remember the last time I had that much fun!
So for now, I'm done with dating. I'm going to stick to the people I already know and trust, thank you very much. : )
Someday, I'll tell you some stories about those dates....
I am in the redecorating mood. It probably started with a friend suggesting that since I'm now divorced, I should change up my bedroom. I decided that was a good idea so I'm patiently awaiting the new bedspread and linens that I ordered from Kohl's. Once they get here, I'll decide whether I need to paint or not. I'm hoping not. I just painted that bedroom about 3 years ago and its in pretty good shape. Two of my best friends came over last Monday and helped me dismantle my room, clean it really well and reassemble it in a different configuration. I even threw out some furniture! I had the best time that night! (The two bottles of wine we shared probably helped with that!)
But I AM plannning on painting the finished basement over the course of the next week or so since I'll be on vacation. The furniture will be going somewhere (hopefully to the curb if the garbage people say its ok) and we'll go from there. I have big plans. We'll see if they really happen or not.
I also plan on taking my kids to Chicago one day next week. It'll be fun, and I'm looking forward to spending a day away from home! Chicago is such a fun place to visit!
I love my crockpot. Have I said that before? I'm sure I have.
This morning I took a gallon ziplock bag full of dinner out of the freezer and dumped the contents in my crockpot. As I was leaving work this evening, I called my son and had him cook up some rice to go with dinner and by the time I got home, we were ready to eat.
Thanks to pinterest, I've been able to whip up a bunch of meals that are crock-pot ready, right from the freezer. The nice thing is, I can buy whatever meat is on sale, buy it in family sized portions which is even cheaper, and make several meals.
I am angry. I mean really angry. I'm so angry, that I feel sorry for those that have to deal with me. I know that this is one of those normal stages of grief but really, I hope it passes quickly. I DO have a lot to be angry about, and I should let myself just wallow in it but its so unproductive.
I couldn't remember my password to post anything here
I have nothing to say
I got divorced
I've been busy
I realize that those are all excuses, but they're true nonetheless. Its been a tough 7 months (well, actually a tough 3 years but thats another story...) I certainly dont think anyone wants to hear the details of my life since August, and I'm going to try really hard not to rant about my life. I may slip some things in here every now and then as I figure out what a new normal feels like. Hope you don't mind.
I've been blessed with literally hundreds of friends that have shown me support through this time and they have helped me immensely. They have helped make a really sad time a little more bearable. My kids have also been a tremendous support. When your kids give you advice on marriage, and its clear that they 'get it', well that just lets me know that I'm not alone. While my marriage may not have been successful, it did produce 3 awesome kids! I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
OK...enough of that... it is March 14 and it was 75 degrees today. The crocuses are blooming and yardwork is calling.