Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Half Way There

Happy 4th of July! 

I hope wherever you are, you are enjoying yourself and are appreciating the fact that we live in a free country!  I think we take that for granted. 

I've been adjusting to my own independence quite well lately, except I've been dealing with a great deal of anger.  I know this is one of the stages of grief, but its been a little frightening to me just how angry I've been.  It probably has something to do with finding out that some of my suspicions about my ex were true, and getting confirmation from him about it.  I just can't comprehend that someone I trusted betrayed me like that.  Well, I CAN comprehend it and that's why I've been so angry.  And angry with myself that I didn't trust my instincts. From now on, I will listen to my self and I will NOT let anyone treat me like that again.

For about two weeks, I felt like I was walking around with this cloud of hatred over my head and I couldn't reason with myself to stop feeling that way.  So it was a really nice coincidence that my vacation started just as I was feeling overwhelmed. I got to spend a week with my "original" family; my mom and all of my siblings. My son, a few nephews, a niece and my sisters-in-law were there too.  We stayed at a 7300 square foot "cabin" in Breckenridge, CO.  It was just what I needed. 

The first morning there, the sun rose and it was such a beautiful day that I decided to go for a walk by myself.  And whenever I'm alone, my thoughts go to how my ex betrayed me, and how angry I am.  So I decided to run to work off some of my anger and it worked.  At one point, I looked up and saw this beautiful sight:

Instead of being overwhelmed by anger, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of what was in front of me.  Actually, if you take the time to look around, beauty is everywhere but we just take THAT for granted too. 

Spending time with people who love me was like medicine for me.  We played a lot of cribbage, did a lot of talking and a LOT of laughing.  Those wonderful people let me talk and talk and reason things out and patiently let me express my feelings without judging me.  I still found myself very angry whenever I was alone, especially when I went to bed.  But by the time the week was up, that was getting better too. 

We took a lot of hikes and saw some truly beautiful scenery.  Humor me and look at the pictures.  : )

It was also really nice to spend the week with my son. It isn't often that he and I get to do things alone (other than go to Dr appointments) so I really enjoyed that.  I missed my two girls and wish they could've come with us, but in the scheme of things, I think he needs a little more attention right now.  As a 16 year old boy, he needs his mom more than his older sisters do.  I think it was good for him to spend time with his aunts and uncles too.  He needed to have that love and support just as much as I did. 

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better about my situation, and I am much less overwhelmed by anger.  If my ex can't see what a great catch he had, thats his problem.  And he isn't my problem any more.  That sentence right there, is epic, my friends.  It took me 23 years to figure that out and believe it. 

And right now, I'm thinking life looks pretty good!