Saturday, August 24, 2013

Here We Go Again

I need some advice.  I'm beginning to feel like everything in my home needs to be changed.  Painted, torn out, rebuilt,  whatever. I go through this every so often, but this time its prompted by my dining room table.  Years ago, we bought this dining room table and chairs at a furniture store that was going out of business.  Turns out, it was a really cheaply made piece of furniture and the chairs began to fall apart.  We had them fixed but the fix didn't last. 

About a month after we got the table, one of my kids spilled nail polish remover on it which messed up the finish.  Since then, damage has been done in many other ways, mostly from art projects and hot pots sitting on the unprotected wood.  Here's a picture of some damage.

I'm thinking I should just paint the whole thing.  Chairs and everything.  And here's where I need advice:  should I paint it white?  Make it look distressed?  (as if it isn't distressed enough!) paint it another color? 

Here's what the whole thing looks like. 
I see so many pieces of furniture being painted in colors like robin's egg blue, or teal but I'm thinking that would just be too much. 

I guess it won't hurt to try SOMEthing.  It sure isn't pretty how it is! 

Saturday, March 23, 2013


    Most of the time, I've forgotten how miserable it used to be. I've effectively forgotten what life was like on a day to day basis, which is either a defense mechanism or a stroke of luck. And then something happens which brings me right back there.

     I used to get left places.  I learned to take my own car because it was typical that the ex would want to leave before me.  If there was a family event, like a wedding or something, he would come but would make it plain that he didn't want to be there, and would behave in such a way that he embarrassed me.  My family felt bad; not only for me, but for themselves because they couldn't figure out what they had done to piss him off.  I remember a Christmas that was particularly bad and we ended up leaving my mom's immediately after opening up our presents.  My mom told me later that ExH and I were the topic of discussion that afternoon.  They couldn't figure out what prompted his behavior or what they had to done to deserve such treatment.  Then they couldn't figure out how I put up with it.  But being the enabler I am, I made excuses for him.

Then there was the wedding of my nephew.  The one in which he and I were Master & Mistress of Ceremonies.  He made it clear that he didn't really want to do this, and kept asking what his duties included.  Again,  being that enabler, I told him that he wouldn't have to do anything, that I would take care of everything.    So we (and by we, I mean me) helped get the ceremony underway.  Then we headed for the reception where again we (yes, me) made sure that guests knew where they were to be seated, and that things were running on schedule.  Towards the end of the evening, my kids came to me and asked if I could bring them home as they were tired.  I instructed them to go find their dad and ask him to bring them home.  "Oh, he left a while ago," was their response.  Imagine my surprise and disgust.  He couldn't even come to me and mention that he was leaving. 

A few years after that, I was left in a similar way at my class reunion.  I didn't see him leave but I saw him driving away.  Which led me to believe that I wasn't even worth the effort of saying goodbye to.  My self esteem, which wasn't great to begin with, suffered a great deal throughout this marriage. Clearly, there was something wrong with me. I thought I was a good person, and I tried really hard to be a good mom and a good friend. 

After the wedding incident, I spent hours on the computer trying to figure out why life was so miserable which ultimately led me to a website about Narcissism.  The descriptions of narcissistic people were really familiar.  However, I believed that they couldn't really be describing someone I knew.   I couldn't reconcile this information in my head.  Certainly it couldn't be true that I had married someone like this.  And in his defense, he wasn't like that when we got married.  So I let this simmer in my mind for a few years, until it became clear that I could not stay married to this man. Years later, one of our marriage counselors would confirm  to me that he believed he was was indeed, Narcissistic.  Many people are, really.  But people like this rarely succeed with therapy because they ultimately don't believe they have a problem.  

The reason I bring all of this up, is because something happened the other day which just threw this all in my face and brought back some bad memories.  A friend of mine, recently divorced, had posted to a page on Facebook about surviving Narcissistic abuse.  This then led me to check out their page, and to read post after post after post from other people in situations very similar to mine. It kind of threw me for a loop, and I found myself almost entranced by the page.  I read everything I could find; all the links, all the comments, all the personal narratives.  I felt like I was sinking into a dark, but familiar hole.   

Turns out, this wasn't such a good idea.  Or maybe it was? I've come so far in the past year, and I've learned what I will and will not accept in terms of behavior from people.  My self esteem is much better and I wake up in the morning, not stressed out but genuinely happy.  I don't dread hearing the garage door open anymore which signalled the end of the workday and the subsequent arrival of the ExH.  And most importantly, I know that I am worthy of love and worthy of being treated with respect.  I have a lot to offer. 

So while the reminder of the past might have derailed me for a minute, it really just served to reinforce how far I've come.   And like someone said, "You can't go on to the next chapter if you keep re-reading the last one." To heck with chapters.  I'm moving on to the next book. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


      I was reminded yesterday that it has been a while since I updated this here blog thingy so here I am.  Updating. 

     So it turns out that I didn't dread Christmas this year.  Yay!  However, I wasn't that excited about it either.  There were about 5 boxes of decorations that never got put out, and there were tons of Christmas goodies that never got made.  But you know what?  We didn't even miss them.  Maybe next year (which is actually THIS year) I'll be more organized and refer to  Organized Christmas to get my stuff done.  Oh, who am I kidding?

    About 2 weeks ago, I sent my oldest off to Ecuador for 4 months.  She's studying abroad to fulfill requirements of her Spanish major at CMU.  I can't tell you how many times a day I go to text her and then realize that I can't.  Even though I'm used to her being gone a great deal of the time, she's always been just a text or phone call away.  Now we rely on e-mail and of course, Facebook.  Its been nice to see the pictures she is posting on FB so I can at least have an idea of what her life is like there.  She's still in the process of adjusting to being in a different country and she misses her family very much.  I hope this experience turns out to be something wonderful for her. 

On a personal note, it has been just about a year since my divorce. Even though I had a lot of ups and downs through the course of this year, I can honestly say that life is good.  I've figured out that there is always, always, always something to be thankful for, and there is always something that can be learned from any given situation.  One of the rough parts about getting divorced is starting to date again.  I tried and Christian Mingle but both of those sites made me feel funny.  I had one date from CM and he was nice enough, but he clearly wanted something serious right away.  So I gave those up and decided I didn't need to be looking for anyone.  However, when I wasn't looking, I discovered that my good friend was someone I really enjoyed spending time with, and we've been dating ever since.  Its so nice to be in a healthy relationship with someone that truly cares about me!

So life continues to move at an unruly pace, but I'm enjoying every bit of it. And once I can figure out how to upload pictures onto this blog again (they changed some things since I was here last) I'll start talking about things that are maybe a little more interesting.  : )